How it applies

Just some scattered thoughts to keep my brain active.......

I noticed that Playboy has a spread this month on "The Girls of WalMart"....The tag-line reads "Watch out for falling Clothes!" .I guess the men of America have now fantasized about every single group of women possible. I don't go to WalMart that much but......whew.....I just don't remember thinking that it was a hotbed of hot, sexy women. I thought it was funny when they had "The Girls of Starbucks" but this takes the cake. I can't wait to see what's next. Wait...wait...I'm seeing "The Girls of Waffle House" - naked sassy grandmoms wearing only plaid aprons and serving up scattered, smothered & covered and holding large shiny spatulas with an erotic glint in their eyes.

My little white people town is trying to look like they embrace ethnic diversity - not only is the sign at Sonic written in Spanish ( I think it says something about chili cheese dogs) but there was a photo on the front page of the paper of a white politician shaking a little black boy's hand. Touching, it was. In my town's chamber of commerce guide, they have a full-color pie chart showing how less than full-color the town is. Like they are bragging about it. I sometimes feel embarrassed - okay, more than sometimes. When I hear the racist and elitist comments that people make, it is obvious that I am fighting a losing battle. There isn't a single minority employed at my office - besides the cleaning woman.

Sure, this town is storybook at worst. It looks like Norman Rockwell threw up and my town was created. Everything is perfect and clean and white, white, white. I sometimes feel really out of place here - mixed in with the soccer moms admiring their new SUV's and sparkly diamonds. I don't have a kid on a sports team. I have no interest in recreating the Civil War battles. I don't care what my lawn looks like. I don't get the L.L. Bean catalog. I don't have a housekeeper or a pool-boy or even a pool. I don't even want these things. And, I sometimes think that if they find me out, they will stone me to death or give me an extreme Anne Klein makeover against my will.

I have this fantasy of buying a little house in a high-traffic area of town. Perhaps, on the "historic tour of homes" route. I'd like to do up the front yard just like Pee Wee's playhouse with every concrete painted statue, whirligig and plastic what-not known to man. Do it up large and then sit outside all of the time and wear funky hats and wave at people passing by and yell, "Welcome, ya'll!"

It's Saturday mornings like these that I wish I could just sleep in like normal people instead of getting up at 6:30 and thinking about WalMart, Waffle House and white folks. I really must get some good sleeping pills as I have realized that I am morphing into some sort of Erma Bombeck / Paul Harvey character who borders on curmudgeon and doting mother. Perhaps, you might just go over to the "Earthaknits" website and learn some things about knitting until I can get my act together ?

I'm going to WalMart. : )

Evolution (with or without the apes)

Fall has announced itself like a child at the top of the stairs. The air is crisp and cool and my soundtrack has made room for new tracks that include the sound of sienna leaves crunching beneath my feet, phone calls from friends breathless with new and deserved romance, and the certain inflection of a voice across the miles. October gave way to skyscraper hasty holiday retreats where architecture really was like frozen music allowing me to dance among it and ended with street corner ghoulish revelry and ghosts revisited comfortably and with breathless smiles.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel alive. I feel so alive that I sometimes feel guilty. I console myself with the knowledge that I am making up for lost time. I want to do it all. I want to see it all. I want to share everything that I do and see. I feel my soul fidgeting like a child in church.

I can't stop staring at the world with unblinking wide-eyed curiosity. To be honest, I don't want to stop. My transition from Summer to Fall can only be compared to a snake shedding its skin. I feel like the things that I mourned for as the grass turned green are so far away from the things that I live for now.

There is no mourning here. It is anticipation. Can you hear the world as alive as it is?

Oh, I still believe in the things I believed in then. Only now, I can look at them with a sideways smirk and call them for what they are. Risks. Gambles. Opportunities. Growth. Regression. Transgression. Worth it. Well worth it. They are what make me who I am. I don't want to go back and change a thing. Sure, I have regrets. I have memories that fade a little more each night as I sleep. But, I have faith that what ends up sticking is going to be grand. Is there a master plan to the universe? I really don't believe so. I think it is all just bits and pieces colliding. I like to sometimes stand back and watch what they form - sometimes blocking out the sky - sometimes giving me something to climb up on for a new view.

I have the greatest family and friends in the world. I am the luckiest girl in the world. Nobody ever tells me that I can't or that I shouldn't. Nobody ever tells me that my dreams are too lofty. Nobody ever tells me that my hurts are exaggerated. I am free to be and to feel. I truly can't wait to see what happens. I can feel this year slipping away as the fraction of months leans towards the left. Soon, it will be gone and replaced but I will always remember it as the best year of my life. I feel quite sure of that.

Last night, I sat in the passenger seat of a car. I watched the night passing by me in a blur with sleepy eyes. I said out loud, "Do you realize that at this time next year, my whole world will have changed? " The driver nodded his head at me but I don't think he felt the full weight of what I was saying. Days and months really do add up to something. If you'd asked me a year ago what I would be feeling now, I wouldn't have described anything even remotely like this. I have a soundtrack. I have love and laughter. I have a new sense of who I am. I have old friends but also new friends. I have old desires but also new desires.

I have evolution. Evolution is everything.

ev·o·lu·tion
n.

1. A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form